I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Randomize
