I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
