when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
false alarm, still single
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
