I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize