also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
