when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
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