mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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