They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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