Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
