Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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