You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Randomize
