She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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