i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
