Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
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