We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I was just dry heaving outside of the Chem building when a guided tour walked by. Welcome to the Maritimes kids...
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