just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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