I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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