my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize