nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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