bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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