I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
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