I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
