Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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