Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
