On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Randomize
