dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
