so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
