I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
