I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
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