Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
