i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
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