It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize
