There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Randomize
