i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
