The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
