If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
