So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
