Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
