are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
