Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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