She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
