you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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