Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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