Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
