they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
