New low: just hacked my moms facebook
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize
