don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
