We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
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