last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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