my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
My ass is underappreciated
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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