How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Randomize
