It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
