Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
