I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
17 year olds will be the death of me.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
