Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
she peed on how many people?
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
