a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
