He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
