and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
