they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
